Today, I started a process of moving forward and thinking how satisfying it would be to close that very stupid & embarrassing chapter soon. Forget that I was ever in that mess….and start living like a productive human being again. I was grateful for all the LORD has done to teach me, provide for me, and protect me from (mainly myself) over the past two and a half years. Oh, but wait. My process has been so painfully slow because I didn't "believe" God and how mighty He is!
This is a story of my field trip to the municipal court house to get my expungement. I had my backpack ready with a file of my criminal charges, my Bible & accompanying book Believing God ( I have a habit of keeping whatever I am reading with me because I find myself waiting a lot!) So, I get there and there is a new entrance and I walk in realizing there is also a new game plan… I didn't get to sneak up to a window and say "I'd like to pay for an expungement please". The security check point had moved from the front of the courtroom doors to the new beautiful addition. It was seemed to be a little over the top for where I live but I guess I felt safe from...uh...Criminals! It was a room dedicated to security; two officers, a place for your belongings, a very serious looking metal detector to walk through, but the sky came through very lovely glass windows. I had to explain my business there and even after all this time, it is still embarrassing to say the least.
However, it wasn't as embarrassing as it was to stand there while he searched through my very messy backpack. Then I started wondering… "wow, what are they thinking?" as he pulls out the book Believing God, my file of criminal charges, and then my bible; "he is unzipping it, oh dear what a mess, my little index cards, my gospel meditations book, my prayer sheets, oh dear, GBDC flyers, oh dear my teary snotty tissues… uh I really need to do a Sunday night bible cleaning"! I even fed myself the lie of "Nice Maria, You really didn't think of shaming your church family did you? Looking back…it probably is a testimony…
I was anonymously gifted this bible April 20, 2008. And when I was in that very place for sentencing on June 2008 I had nothing falling out of my bible… my heart had fallen out of my chest. I could receive six years in prison…All I could do was read Proverbs 3:5-6 like I was told to and listen to Sharon's voice in my head… how sure she was that I would be okay… I wasn't sure at all. I was just desperate.
Proverbs 3:5&6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.
Wow…to read those now and compare what they mean to me now… lets add two more verses to that:
Proverbs 3:7&8
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your body
And refreshment to your bones.
I'm constantly disappointed with my thinking. I know that my ways are not my Glorious Kings ways. I fail daily and I am so overjoyed to be able to repent immediately and start over. Well my thinking today, was to get this started and when it was over to not look back.
Now I am thinking:
"Maria!!!!
This was the beginning of your love story! (Jesus had just captured your heart and began an amazing healing!)
Your first faith moments! (You were hopeless wreck with no desire to live to see the end of this awful circumstance!),
Your deliverance! (Your sin and stupidity is what brought you to your knees begging for a miracle!),
Your answers to desperate prayer!!!(He has brought so much good of this and it is STILL forthcoming!)
This relationship that has grown is: LOVE! He loved you first! He is teaching you love now! Don't you dare shut this door! Don't you hide & cover this up like it never happened! OH NO YOU DON'T! Jesus Christ died for these very sins and He HAS USED THEM FOR HIS GLORY"!
I'm certainly not proud of my actions…but I am proud of what my God has done for me, pulled me through, revealed to me about myself, He saved my soul, my marriage, my children, and my character. I had already given up. He performed miracles I tell you… after I chose marijuana over Him.
He saw fit for me to not be a hopeless addict or to spend a night in jail away from my son. The fifteen plants I grew were 2 ounces short of felony charges. All 6 charges were misdemeanors. I was convicted of 3. I was sentenced to 25 days of house arrest and a year of drug counseling 3 times a week. I had a child endangerment charge because I had children living in my home. The Lord saw fit to let me have shared custody of my son and eventually my eldest daughter and I reconciled over this mess. Instead of AA meetings, I was permitted to go to 3 church services a week instead and do my community service there as well… these things are HUGE. The judge I went before was ready to give us the maximum. My God is able to change hearts. My husband also has amazing accounts of everything that had unfolded. Needless to say, I know now, I need the LORD for all my hard stuff… and He has not failed me at all.
I was supposed to ride my bike today; out of the blue my neighbors gave me a ride there and dropped me off while they shopped. I was done in about ten minutes and went outside to wait on the bench and read. I read chapter 12: Believing God was Faithful in your Past.
Oh Maria! You were in class today and didn't even know it! If this is not an example of how God is right here with us people! He truly orchestrates everything in our lives. He loves us so much! I think of how almost my whole life I believed He was far away… He's been here all along! He wants me to remember "Our Story" and I am tearfully ashamed that I tried to do just the opposite of that, just today.
Beth Moore/Believing God says:
"Failures take all sorts of forms and hits all sorts of unsuspecting, sincere followers of Jesus Christ. We don't have to sin grievously to feel like we have failed. Sometimes all it takes is feeling like we have proved ineffective and untalented too many times to try again. What about you? Do you feel like you have failed God in some way? Are you to scared or discouraged to try serving God again? Have you allowed Satan to demoralize you by preying on your fear that you are nothing more than a failure? Then hear these words: GOD will not fail you! Grab onto Him with everything you have. Cast yourself entirely upon His ability to succeed and not yours. Blind yourself to all ambition except to please Him. Walk in the shadow of the Almighty. Grab onto the hem of His garment and find the healing grace to go where He leads. In that place you will be equipped to do the impossible. There you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Can you admit God has gifted you? Can you admit how often you criticize yourself? Can you admit that some of your attempts at humility have been driven by pride? Can you admit that…
God is who He says He is?
God can do what He says He can do?
You are who God says you are?
You can do all things through Christ?"
I remember a dear friend saying "Maria, we all have stuff". All that stuff (big or small) can be so overwhelming! Don't buy into the lie that God doesn't care. Our lives are so important to God! He would love to manage the stuff in your life. My friend Sharon was confident I would be okay because she knew my stuff, her stuff, or your stuff is not too big for God to manage…and He loves to amaze us, and bring glory to His name! Praise God for my lesson learned today!
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your Son, who is our substitute, that I may be forgiven.
That I may live here in peace through your Word.
That I may live in eternity with you one day.
Thank you, that through these trials, I have learned
I can trust every decision You make
For my life, that You have formed, saved, & blessed.
Oh LORD, thank You for making my paths straight!
Lord it is only You that keeps me from evil!
Lord you truly are my Healer,
And in amazement I see You are the
Refreshment to my bones!
Praise Your name forever!!!!
I love You!!!
Maria Brown
